The Stories We Mistake for Truth
Your Guide to Uncovering Hidden Control Narratives and Reclaiming Your Power
Have you ever caught yourself saying, "That's just how things are" or "I don't have a choice"? I've uttered these phrases more times than I can count – in my career, relationships, finances, and beyond. But what if these seemingly innocent statements are actually powerful stories that silently shape our entire lives?
The Invisible Authors of Our Lives
We are storytellers by nature. Our brains constantly weave narratives to make sense of our experiences. Yet some of the most influential stories we tell ourselves are the ones we don't even recognize as stories – we mistake them for objective reality.
These unexamined narratives about control are particularly powerful. They whisper limiting beliefs like:
"This is just how my financial situation is."
"Relationships always end up this way for me."
"My body just doesn't work that way."
"This career path is the only option for someone with my background."
The most dangerous stories are the ones we don't know we're telling. Because when we mistake our narratives for absolute truth, we never think to question them.
Control Stories Live in Every Corner of Our Lives
For nearly two decades, I built a career in nonprofit fundraising, management, and event planning. And somewhere along the way, I unconsciously adopted a powerful story: "This is my path now, and it's too late to change direction."
This narrative wasn't just a passing thought – it became a lens through which I viewed every professional opportunity, quietly limiting what I believed was possible for my future.
But here's what I've come to understand through both personal experience and working with clients: these control narratives don't just exist in our professional lives. They permeate every dimension of our existence:
In our relationships: "I always end up taking care of everyone else."
In our finances: "Money is always tight and that's just how it is."
In our health: "People in my family just gain weight easily."
In our emotional lives: "I'm just an anxious person."
In our social connections: "I'm not the type of person who makes friends easily."
Each of these statements masquerades as a simple observation of reality. But in truth, they're powerful stories that create self-fulfilling prophecies. They're the unquestioned background music to our lives – so constant we don't even hear it playing.
The Cost of These Unexamined Stories
My story about career immobility wasn't just affecting my professional choices – it influenced my sense of worth, my financial decisions, and even how I introduced myself to others. I had unconsciously accepted the false narrative that security meant staying in a familiar lane, even as that lane felt increasingly constraining.
The cost wasn't just financial – though certainly I was limiting my earning potential. The greater cost was in how this story narrowed my vision of what my life could become.
And that's the true danger of unexamined control narratives: they don't just describe our reality; they create it. They filter what opportunities we notice, what risks we're willing to take, and what possibilities we can imagine.
Take a moment to consider: What stories about control might be operating in your life right now? Where have you decided – without even realizing it's a decision – that "this is just how things are"?
Fear and Resistance: The Story Guardians
When we first begin to question these control narratives, we almost inevitably encounter fear and resistance. These emotions aren't signs we're doing something wrong – they're actually indicators that we're challenging stories that have become part of our identity.
Our brains are masterful at protecting established patterns. Even patterns that don't serve us have the advantage of being familiar, and our nervous systems often prefer the discomfort we know to the uncertainty of a new story.
In my own journey, questioning my career narrative triggered waves of fear. What if I failed? What if I wasted years of experience? What if I ended up worse off than before?
These weren't rational assessments of risk – they were my old story fighting to maintain its control over my choices. Recognizing this dynamic was crucial to moving forward.
Suspending Constraint: Making Space for New Stories
The shift began when two pivotal people entered my life: a coach who asked questions I hadn't permitted myself to consider, and a mentor who modeled a different story about professional possibility.
They didn't simply tell me to "think positive" or "take a leap" – advice that rarely works when you're operating from a deeply ingrained narrative. Instead, they created space for me to examine my story about career control and helped me craft a new one: "I have transferable skills, valuable experience, and the capacity to learn what I don't yet know."
This new narrative didn't instantly transform my external reality, but it immediately expanded what I could see as possible.
One of the most powerful practices they introduced me to was what I now call "suspending constraint" – the deliberate, temporary setting aside of all the reasons "why not" in order to imagine "what if."
This practice doesn't deny real challenges or circumstances. Rather, it creates a safe space where new possibilities can emerge before we evaluate their feasibility. It's like temporarily stepping outside the boundaries of your current story to glimpse what might exist beyond.
Practical Ways to Question Your Control Stories
Ready to examine the control narratives operating in your own life? Here are some approaches that have been transformative for me and countless clients:
1. The "According to Who?" Question
When you catch yourself thinking "That's just how things are," ask yourself: "According to who? Who wrote this rule? Is it actually true, or just a story I've accepted?"
2. Evidence Collection
Our brains excel at filtering for evidence that confirms our existing beliefs. Intentionally seek out counter-evidence. For every limiting belief, find three examples – from your life or others' – that prove alternatives are possible.
3. The Possibility Journal
Set aside 10 minutes to write freely about a challenge in your life, but with one rule: you cannot write any statement that limits possibility. Notice how this constraint forces you to see beyond your current narrative.
4. Story Archaeology
Trace the origins of your control beliefs. When did you first adopt this story? Who or what influenced its development? Understanding a story's origins often reduces its power.
5. Surroundings Audit
As I discovered in my own journey, the people around us either reinforce or help dissolve our limiting stories. Take inventory: Who in your life expands your sense of possibility? Who contracts it? Begin intentionally adjusting these influences.
Living a New Story, One Choice at a Time
Living from this new story wasn't about dramatic gestures – it was about small, intentional choices made consistently over time. For more than five years, I took steps that my old narrative would have dismissed as pointless or too risky.
I carefully curated my environment, surrounding myself with people who reinforced possibility rather than fear. I recognized that our stories about control are often collective – reinforced by those around us – and I needed to be deliberate about whose voices I invited into my transition.
The journey wasn't linear, and there were certainly moments when the old story would resurface. But eventually, these intentional choices led me to a role as a consultant with a boutique firm that values my expertise in ways my former self couldn't have imagined.
My professional journey is just one of the many areas of my life that I have reimagined and reclaimed – remembering that my life does not necessarily control me, but that I can shape it through infinite choices that I make every day, even if some things are legitimately outside my control.
The Paradox of True Control
And here's the beautiful paradox I've discovered: Real control doesn't come from trying to manage every external circumstance or outcome. It comes from recognizing that even in situations where much is beyond our influence, we always retain the power to choose our story about what's happening and how we respond.
This isn't toxic positivity or denying real constraints. It's about finding the space within constraints where choice still exists. It's about distinguishing between the circumstances of our lives and the stories we tell about those circumstances.
Because while we can't control everything that happens to us, we can always examine, question, and rewrite the narratives through which we interpret what happens. And in doing so, we open doors to possibilities our old stories insisted didn't exist.
Your Turn: Becoming the Conscious Author
What story about control is ready to be examined in your life? Where have you been telling yourself "that's just how things are" when perhaps there's more possibility than you've allowed yourself to see?
I invite you to choose just one area of your life – your relationships, finances, career, health, or any other dimension – and apply the practices we've explored to gently question your current narrative. Not with judgment, but with curious compassion.
Because the most empowering discovery I've made is this: You are not just a character in your life story – you are its author. And at any moment, you can pick up the pen and write a new chapter.
I'd love to hear what stories you're questioning or rewriting. Share your insights in the comments below, and let's continue this exploration together.
