The Art of Surrender: Power When Control Slips Away
Discover How Letting Go Can Be Your Most Powerful Move Forward
Have you ever gripped the steering wheel of your life so tightly your knuckles turned white, only to realize the road was taking you somewhere unexpected anyway?
Welcome to the third and final part of our series on control. We've explored how to reclaim your power through conscious choice and how to rewrite limiting stories. But now we arrive at perhaps the most profound truth: sometimes our greatest power comes not from controlling more, but from surrendering with grace.
When Control Is an Illusion
Let's be honest. There are moments in every woman's life when reality delivers a humbling reminder that control is, at best, a partial truth:
The pregnancy that refuses to unfold according to your carefully researched birth plan
The relationship that ends despite your valiant efforts to save it
The global pandemic that sweeps aside your meticulously organized life
The body that betrays you with illness despite your disciplined self-care
The careful financial planning upended by unexpected economic shifts
And I know many of us are feeling a significantly greater sense of this right now. The ground beneath our collective feet feels increasingly uncertain, leaving us grasping for something—anything—to control.
What happens when you're doing everything within your power, checking every box, following every piece of advice, and life still spins wildly off your carefully plotted course?
This is where the true masters of life reveal themselves. Because the most courageous act isn't controlling more; it's knowing when to open your hands and trust.
The Surrender I Didn't Know I Needed
I first encountered the transformative power of surrender nearly a decade ago during a two-week immersive retreat in Baja. To be perfectly honest, I hadn't fully understood what I was signing up for. Who takes two whole weeks away from their life for a retreat? Yet something deeper than my rational mind had made the decision.
I now firmly believe we're often called to exactly what we need, even when—perhaps especially when—we don't understand why at the time.
It was there, watching the Pacific Ocean perform its timeless dance of advance and retreat, that I had a revelation that changed everything: My relentless desire for certainty and need to see ten steps ahead had led me to overextend in "intentional action," forgetting that wisdom often gestates in the fertile darkness of uncertainty.
I hadn't developed my surrender and trust muscles. So instead of waiting for clarity to emerge naturally, my discomfort with the unknown had pushed me into premature decisions that ultimately weren't aligned with my deepest truth.
The Price of Rushing Past Uncertainty
Looking back, I can see how this pattern shaped pivotal moments in my life.
At 17, I was so anxious about college admissions that I applied early decision, committing myself before exploring all possibilities. While I received a good education, I now recognize it wasn't the right environment for me. Had I tolerated the discomfort of waiting and trusted the process, I might have found a path more aligned with my authentic self.
But the more significant example came in my romantic life. Young and absorbing the subtle (and not-so-subtle) societal expectations, I felt the pressure to marry, and more specifically, to someone Jewish with aligned values, have children, create a beautiful home—all while pursuing advanced education and building a successful career.
What's a good, smart woman to do?
I did it all, right away.
I found a good man who checked all the acceptable boxes. I earned my MBA. I had babies quite quickly. I secured a respectable job that launched a 20-year career in nonprofit management and development.
By external measures, I crushed it.
Except that he wasn't the right partner for me, and eventually, our marriage ended.
I was only 24 when we started dating and by 27, I was married with my first son. Too young, perhaps, to even know who I truly was, let alone who would be my ideal life companion.
Let me be clear—I don't regret these chapters of my story. My children are incredible blessings, and every experience has shaped who I am today.
Yet, had I developed the capacity to sit with uncertainty, had I surrendered to the natural unfolding of life rather than rushing to resolve the discomfort of not knowing, I might have discovered a relationship that would have lasted a lifetime.
The Misunderstood Power of Surrender
When I speak of surrender, I notice how often women misinterpret the concept. They hear "give up" or "be passive" or "accept mediocrity."
That's not surrender. That's resignation.
True surrender is an act of profound courage. It means:
Acknowledging what is genuinely beyond your control
Releasing the exhausting illusion that you can manage every outcome
Trusting that there is wisdom in how things unfold, even when they unfold differently than you planned
Remaining engaged with life while relinquishing your death grip on exactly how it should look
Surrender doesn't mean you stop taking action. It means your actions arise from a different place—not from fear or grasping, but from trust and alignment with something larger than your individual will.
The Dance of Action and Surrender
I've come to envision life as a sacred dance between intentional action and graceful surrender. Knowing when to lead and when to follow is the art.
Here's what this dance might look like in practice:
Set clear intentions about what matters most to you, but release attachment to exactly how those intentions manifest
Take aligned action from a centered place, not from anxiety or societal pressure
Listen deeply to the guidance that comes through intuition, synchronicities, and the wisdom of your body
Rest in uncertainty when the path isn't clear, trusting that clarity will come in its own time
Recognize resistance as a signal to pause and reassess, not necessarily to push harder
Practice radical acceptance of what is, even as you work toward what could be
This balance isn't about passivity. It's about partnership—with yourself, with others, with life itself.
Practical Ways to Strengthen Your Surrender Muscles
Like any profound capacity, surrender is a practice. Here are some approaches that have transformed my relationship with control and uncertainty:
1. The Daily Release Ritual
Each morning, identify one thing you're trying to control that's causing you suffering. Write it down on a small piece of paper. Then physically release it—burn it safely, dissolve it in water, or bury it in earth. This tangible act helps your body and mind practice letting go.
2. The "This Too" Meditation
When facing a challenging situation, practice this simple meditation: Breathe in with "This too," breathe out with "is happening for me." Not to you, but for you. This subtle shift transforms your relationship with difficulties.
3. Body-Centered Uncertainty Practice
When you feel the physical sensations of anxiety about the unknown—the tightness in your chest, the churning stomach, the shallow breathing—practice staying present with these sensations without immediately acting to relieve them. Just three minutes of this practice begins building your capacity to be with uncertainty.
4. The Guidance Question
Instead of asking, "What should I do?" try asking, "What wants to happen here?" This subtle shift moves you from forcing an outcome to collaborating with life's natural intelligence.
5. Create a Surrender Altar
Designate a small space in your home where you place symbols of what you're releasing to a wisdom greater than your own. This might be photos, written intentions, or objects that represent your concerns. This sacred space becomes a reminder of your commitment to trust.
6. Consult the Wisdom of Your Future Self
Close your eyes and imagine yourself 20 years from now, having moved through your current challenges with grace. Ask this wiser version of yourself what she knows about surrender that you're still learning.
The Counterintuitive Truth About Trust
I've discovered something that initially seemed paradoxical: the more I practice surrender, the more I actually trust myself.
This wasn't what I expected. I thought relinquishing control would mean doubting my own wisdom. Instead, it's revealed a deeper confidence—not in my ability to manage every outcome, but in my capacity to meet whatever comes with resilience and grace.
When we stop exhausting ourselves trying to control the uncontrollable, we discover reserves of strength we never knew we had. We find that we can indeed handle uncertainty. We can navigate change. We can thrive even when the path ahead isn't clearly marked.
This is the ultimate freedom.
An Invitation to the Sacred Middle
I was introduced to the work of Tosha Silver, whose book Outrageous Openness transformed my understanding of surrender. As she beautifully articulates, true surrender isn't about abandoning your desires or giving up your power. It's about aligning your personal will with a higher wisdom.
I invite you to explore where in your life you might be holding on too tightly. Where are you exhausting yourself trying to control outcomes that ultimately aren't yours to determine? What might become possible if you loosened your grip just a little?
Consider these questions:
What am I trying to force right now that might unfold more beautifully if I allowed it to develop in its own timing?
Where am I making decisions from anxiety rather than wisdom?
What would it look like to take aligned action without attachment to exactly how things turn out?
How might my challenges be serving my growth in ways I can't yet see?
This exploration isn't about getting somewhere else. It's about discovering the power that's already within you—the power that emerges not from perfect control, but from perfect trust in your capacity to dance with whatever life brings.
The Wisdom in the Waiting
Looking back at my own journey, I can now see how some of my greatest blessings came not from my careful planning, but from surrendering to life's own timing and wisdom.
My career transformation didn't happen when I was pushing hardest for change. It unfolded naturally after I stepped back and allowed myself to simply be present with my dissatisfaction without immediately trying to fix it.
My most meaningful relationships blossomed not when I was seeking connection most desperately, but when I had finally become comfortable with my own company.
My deepest insights have come not from striving for answers, but from allowing questions to live in me until they ripened into understanding.
What might be waiting for you in that fertile space of not knowing?
A Final Thought
As we conclude this series on control, I offer this gentle truth: Control has its place. Conscious choice has its place. But so does surrender. So does trust.
The most masterful life includes them all.
You don't have to choose between being powerful and being open. The most authentic power comes from knowing when to assert your will and when to bow to a wisdom greater than your own.
In that sacred balance, you'll find not just the peace you've been seeking, but a more profound kind of power than control alone could ever provide.
I'd love to hear your thoughts. Where in your life might surrender offer you not less power, but more? What becomes possible when you trust that things are unfolding as they're meant to, especially when it all feels out of control?
Share your reflections in the comments below, and let's continue this conversation about the courage it takes to open our hands and trust.
This concludes our three-part series on reclaiming your power in a complex world. If you missed the previous installments, you can find them here: The Paradox of Control: Discovering Your True Power in a Complex World and The Stories We Don't Question: Examining Your Relationship with Control.
