A Mother's Self-Care Manifesto

“You don’t have to make yourself OK for a good mother, a good mother makes herself OK for you.”

From “The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo”

I’ve been thoroughly enjoying the joy of reading this summer,

and in particular, my love of reading fiction.

As a child I was an avid reader, but over the years I have taken to reading more and more books and articles on leadership and personal development,

abandoning my passion for reading amazing fiction.

And yet, there is nothing quite like being drawn into a great novel,

being so mesmerized and captivated that you can’t put it down.

As I read The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (which is a great summer read), I was struck by this sentence only a few pages before the ending of the book:

“You don’t have to make yourself OK for a good mother, a good mother makes herself OK for you.”

Truthbomb.

This sentence is not really important to the novel’s storyline, but it has stayed with me because it is exactly what I believe.

For all of you that are mothers, in any sense of the word, this is truth.

Despite what you may have been told, what you tell yourself and what I imagine you often choose, the actual pathway to being the kind of mother you want to be is through making yourself happy, healthy and whole.

I am always amazed at how many women/mothers I talk to are depriving themselves of what they really want and need in the name of their children.

They are so busy judging the quality of their motherhood on how often they attend their children’s practices, rehearsals and performances, how many home cooked meals they make, or how much time (how very many hours) they carve out of their days to play with, be present for and entertain their children, that they run themselves ragged trying to balance work, take care of home/house related responsibilities and “show up” in a way that will allow others to see just how “committed” they are to their children.

It is the perceived, unspoken motherhood badge of honor.

A deeply conditioned belief that the more she sacrifices, and deprives herself in the name of her children, the better she is as a mother.

These women are often overwhelmed, frazzled and exhausted from giving so much to others; the way they feel inside does not in any way match what the rest of the world sees.

They are silently suffering,

feeling depleted and in desperate need of quiet, rest and joy,

in the name of how much they care about and love their children.

Well, I call bullshit.

Just last week I facilitated a 2 hour conversation with a group of 20 women between the ages of 30 - 50 around what is true for them and what they need most right now. Every single one of them said that they feel exhausted from the pressure of “showing up” for everyone, all the time, when what they really need is greater time for themselves, a bit of space and self care.

“...a good mother makes herself OK for you.”

Yes, yes she does.

If you are a mother, it is your job to take care of and nurture your mind, body, soul and spirit so that you can not only show up for your children (and those you love most) when they need your strength, wisdom and resilience, but also to model for them what self care looks like so they can grow into adults that know how to do it for themselves.

I get it, your schedule is overextended,

you don’t have time,

childcare,

or the resources to take care of yourself.

And I know, your children “need you”. Especially when they are younger.

Of course they do.

They need you to be well rested,

to be healthy,

to be happy,

to be nourished,

and to be spiritually grounded and emotionally stable.

So, you are going to have to commit to your own self care.

You will need to set boundaries, and say no. Again, NO is a complete sentence.

You will need to carve time for yourself when your children (friends, family or even your partner) may resist the boundaries you set.

All of these can be hard to do, and you may feel guilty, irresponsible or uncomfortable. If that’s the case, good. Then you know you are really doing it.

Your children, or those you love, may have to pick up a few new chores/responsibilities…please don’t feel bad, it’s good for them.

You will most likely need to share with them how much you love them,

and that loving them means carving out time to take care of yourself so that you can take care of them.

Share this with them when they are little so that you are their model.

Say it to them when they are older so that they can learn to prioritize themselves.

Say it to them when they are adults so they can learn to set their own boundaries and invite those around them to do the same.

I know it is hard.

I have been there, and I have had to fight for what I need, and want.

But I am here to tell you, now that my children are 26 and 29, that I have been a far more extraordinary mother because I have always taken care of myself in ways that allowed me to be happy, healthy and whole…even when they didn’t love it.

And by the way, they would tell you the same.

You are so worth it,

And so are your children.